Ugly

I live in a small town. When someone kills someone else it’s big news. It becomes the talk of the town for awhile. Of course, there are always rumors of this and that. Was there drugs involved, why did that person do it, and so on. I look at the newspaper and think what happen? Sometimes I get judgemental. Big no, no for Christians. Even heard someone say they brought it on themselves.

Most of the time I’m able to set aside bad news. Hey, it didn’t involve me or someone I know so why should I be concerned? It’s funny how many of us Christian and non-Christians have this mentality. Then something happens and you get a face to face reaction from a person this did happen too. You see some the consequences. You hear their voice quiver with pain. You see their body shake with sadness and anger. You see the hurt in their heart. You hear parts of a story that isn’t in the newspaper and will never be in a newspaper. It changes how you see things. You walk away wishing to turn back time to when you didn’t have to deal with the feelings you saw and felt with/for that person. Your emotions are in overload and your compassion is shaken to the core.

I felt this way and I went to God to say the things that lie in my heart. “People are ugly…. They keep hurting each other and themselves. They keep drowning in pain and trying to numb the feelings with drugs, alcohol, sex, avoidance, violence, denial, and etc… Will there be an end to this?” My thoughts are “I want to crawl back into my safe little world where I don’t have to deal with these issues…. Hey, I don’t need this.” I want my blindfold. I want to be surrounded by other Christians who know how to hide the hurt. I want to be surrounded by people who don’t sin; whose moral compass is pointing to God….. I don’t want to see the ugliness.”

I spoke honestly with God. An honesty that I don’t usually share with the world. My heart is heavy. I can’t even bring myself to pray. The words won’t come.

It’s funny how God deals with my heart. Not ha ha funny. I go home and take a nap because I need one after dealing with these emotions. I get a text from a friend who has been told she has 6 months to a year to live. She wants to me to come and see her. I go. She needs my help with something. We talk not about my day. She tells me she’s doing better. I leave and go to the store to get bread. I run into another “friend” she has been drinking. Most of the time I see her she is drunk. She remembers my face but not my name. I don’t turn a blind eye away. I can’t; my heart won’t let me. She once called me her angel. I helped sober her up that day after a two-week drinking binge. Then she told me her story of pain. I know she drinks to numb the pain.

I go home again. I spend time with my little boy. When everyone goes to bed I open my computer to my online books for the class that I’m taking next month. There it is…. the reminder of my path God wants me to take. I listen to lessons on the Book of Genesis. How God created everything. How God created mankind to be glorified in his image. How we are to worship God with all our body, soul, and spirit. I’m reminded of the first sin and the great deceiver and how he keeps deceiving. Thoughts of the day turn in my mind. I fall asleep listening.

The next day, God speaks to me through my thoughts with gentleness. “I did not create ugly people. All things I created are good….. Sin is ugly not people.”

My voice for prayer returns along with tears of release. I pray, Lord, for the hurting. I pray, Lord, for the killers. I pray, Lord, for the dying. I pray, Lord, for the lost souls. I pray, Lord, for the drunks, the drug dealers, the addicts, the perpetrator, and the abused. I pray, Lord, for myself…. keep my eyes open and let me see them not as ugly.

Ugly
adjective:
unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance.
synonyms: unattractive, unappealing, unpleasant, hideous, unlovely, unprepossessing, unsightly, horrible, frightful, awful, ghastly, vile, revolting, repellent, repulsive, repugnant, grotesque, disgusting, monstrous, reptilian, misshapen, deformed, disfigured, homely, plain, not much to look at

I wrote this a few weeks ago. My attitude has changed. I know I can’t turn from the suffering and hurting of people and I can’t save them all. But I can do my best to help the ones God puts in my path with His guidances.

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